This week has been exceptional for me. I have a car coming. I have to learn how to drive a stick but I’m going to do it.  The car is free she just has to repair the muffler so it will pass smog. I’m going to put most of my job money into this repair.

Staying sober has been such a struggle but over a week ago I got down on my knees and asked God to help me. I haven’t had a drink since and I don’t miss it. Now I thank God every day for helping me.

I miss Mary but I know she has her own journey but Lord I long for her to be in my life. I wish I could fix it but I honestly have no clue. I do believe it’s past life Karma. I thank God everyday for the family that’s still in my life. I miss them too.

This morning I drank my first cup of coffee without sweetener and my second cup I drank black.

I’m doing the whole 30 diet again. I remember how good I felt the last time I did it; many years ago. No processed food, no sweeteners, no dairy, no legumes. I am eating meat but when this is over I’m hoping I can be vegan again. I will never be 100% because my balloons aren’t vegan.

I know no one is reading this so it doesn’t really matter, but I think it helps me to document this today.

I pray everyday that God will guide me to be kind, non judgmental and giving of myself.

Today I have a face painting job and I’m looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to Monday because Linda will be home from rehab and her knee surgery. I thank God, every day how fortunate I am that I still have most of my parts!!

 Last week I got an iron infusion. I am anemic. The infusion was life changing. I feel 100 times better.

My face painting and balloon business  is doing great. I am very grateful for so many opportunities.

 I’m not really a writer so I don’t post much. Also because I don’t have a following. I mostly write because I have something to say. Today is one of those days. Today I realized I have a prayer list. For instance, I no longer pray that people will forgive me for being a not great friend, mother, wife. All those things are true but not really the path I was on. My biggest regret was that I was not a better mother. I am plagued by this almost every day.. I realize now that this is the path I was on and also the path my children were on. My biggest regret is that Mary has chosen to remove me from her life. I use to pray that she would forgive me and come back to me. Now I pray that she will continue on her path that she has chosen and that she will grow from this. That’s all we can really hope for. 

Being in, what I think is one of the following final chapters of my life. I use to pray that Mary would forgive me; but now I know that my path is not forgiveness but rather the path we are both on. When I saw this just recently, I am now at peace with this path she has chosen and that it has nothing to do with me.

It is our chance to grow. I hope, that anyone, who is reading this will understand that the things, good and bad, in our life. We must accept this path in order to grow. This was a huge step for me.

Wishing I was a better mother may not be the right path for either of my children. Fortunately Leah has accepted me for who I am; addictions and all of my bad qualities. I know whether she knows it or not, I did teach them honesty. Also to be who you are meant to be. To be kind. UI often think that I want to be just like Leah when I grow up.  She is the woman I had hoped to be but didn’t become until much later in Life.

My reason for being vegan is, 1. Do no harm and 2. to be kind to everyone no matter our path. Enough for today. If anyone reads this I hope you are on the right path.