My brother moved to Austin Texas and he didn’t bother to tell me. I don’t remember how I found out. I probably did a search on google. We had a really rough child hood and he took it out on me. I have managed to let it go but for some reason he has chosen to forget it and me completely. He is one of the few people left in my immediate family so it hurts.
And then, I think right before Covid hit my youngest daughter decided to write me off. She was always getting mad at me and I could never quite figure out why. I think my oldest would try to reason with her and she would forgive me for what I’m not sure but finally she couldn’t take it anymore and wrote me off completely. Heaven knows I wasn’t the best mother. I married three times. The only reason I married my second two was so I would have financial stability and a father figure. Ha! What a joke that was. Turned out my first husband was a pedophile. My second was a control freak and when he wanted Mary to follow his very strict rules I said no. He said then get out, so we did. Then my third husband, geesh, it just kept getting worse. He was a gambler and he raped me. I know can you rape a wife? after what he did? yes you can. Screw marriage I’ve been single ever since. That was mid 90’s. Long story short; I moved back up to Northern California from San Diego. It was okay both my children were happy and really that was all that mattered. It was also a relief that they were okay. So here it is 2026. Mary hasn’t spoken to me in around six years. One day in 2021 I think, I thought if I could just go back and do a do over maybe I could be a better mother. I believe in reincarnation. So I thought I would try to kill myself and come back as super mom. I just happened to have a prescription for a pain pill and I had a lot so I researched it and sure enough I could do myself in successfully. So with those pills and a bottle of wine I was ready. I even left a note. “I’m going to be a better mom now”.
Dammit I woke up and felt really strange so I called the advice nurse and said how do I get these pills out of my system. She said something like uh why did you take them? I made up something but she didn’t buy it and then I heard sirens. Shit did you call the EMTS? She said, sorry we have to. To make a long story again I was in rehab for a week. Hell! It was a locked facility! Okay that didn’t work. So for the next 5 years or so I tried to move on. The only thing that saved me was my oldest daughter. She is completely different from Mary. She has always supported me, especially in my efforts to stop drinking, oh yeah that’s my prescription for getting past all my mistakes or maybe it was another way of doing my self in. No matter how hard I try I always break down on her birthday and get drunk.
This is the first time I haven’t. Maybe because I still have my oldest daughter. She has been my angel. She loves unconditionally, me, and her children..she’s awesome. I think I realized sometime ago that she was reason enough to keep going and to stay sober so here I am one beautiful daughter and two grandchildren that still speak to me whom I love dearly.
It’s enough..I can do this..
God bless all of whoever reads this.
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