Mary and my brother

 My brother moved to Austin Texas and he didn’t bother to tell me. I don’t remember how I found out. I probably did a search on google. We had a really rough child hood and he took it out on me. I have managed to let it go but for some reason he has chosen to forget it and me completely. He is one of the few people left in my immediate family so it hurts. 

And then, I think right before Covid hit my youngest daughter decided to write me off. She was always getting mad at me and I could never quite figure out why. I think my oldest would try to reason with her and she would forgive me for what I’m not sure but finally she couldn’t take it anymore and wrote me off completely. Heaven knows I wasn’t the best mother. I married three times. The only reason I married my second two was so I would have financial stability and a father figure. Ha! What a joke that was. Turned out my first husband was a pedophile. My second was a control freak and when he wanted Mary to follow his very strict rules I said no. He said then get out, so we did. Then my third husband, geesh, it just kept getting worse. He was a gambler and he raped me. I know can you rape a wife? after what he did? yes you can. Screw marriage I’ve been single ever since. That was mid 90’s. Long story short; I moved back up to Northern California from San Diego. It was okay both my children were happy and really that was all that mattered.  It was also a relief that they were okay. So here it is 2026. Mary hasn’t spoken to me in around six years. One day in 2021 I think, I thought if I could just go back and do a do over maybe I could be a better mother. I believe in reincarnation. So I thought I would try to kill myself and come back as super mom. I just happened to have a prescription for a pain pill and I had a lot so I researched it and sure enough I could do myself in successfully. So with those pills and a bottle of wine I was ready. I even left a note. “I’m going to be a better mom now”. 

Dammit I woke up and felt really strange so I called the advice nurse and said how do I get these pills out of my system. She said something like uh why did you take them? I made up something but she didn’t buy it and then I heard sirens. Shit did you call the EMTS? She said, sorry we have to. To make a long story again I was in rehab for a week. Hell! It was a locked facility! Okay that didn’t work. So for the next 5 years or so I tried to move on. The only thing that saved me was my oldest daughter. She is completely different from Mary. She has always supported me, especially in my efforts to stop drinking, oh yeah that’s my prescription for getting past all my mistakes or maybe it was another way of doing my self in. No matter how hard I try I always break down on her birthday and get drunk.

This is the first time I haven’t. Maybe because I still have my oldest daughter. She has been my angel. She loves unconditionally, me, and her children..she’s awesome. I think I realized sometime ago that she was reason enough to keep going and to stay sober so here I am one beautiful daughter and two grandchildren that still speak to me whom I love dearly.

It’s enough..I can do this..

God bless all of whoever reads this.

 When I was around fifty my daughter was trying to find entertainment for my grandson’s 5th birthday party. She was trying to hire a clown. She called the ones In The phone book (you remember that right?) they charged $150 and they were all booked. I’m always looking for a way to make more money so she called me and said”Mom, I have the perfect side business for you” all I had to do was make a clown outfit and learn how to make balloon animals in 2 weeks!! a I don’t recall ever saying no to my daughter or my grandson for that matter but I did it. I went online and bought a vcr for balloons 101 and made a clown outfit out of 100% polyester (big mistake)

I have never had so much fun in all my life and I cannot tell you how much joy I have had over the following 20 years. 

I have had a lot of jobs and businesses over my life but this is the one I miss the most. 

Watching the smiles of the children and even the parents was so rewarding. If I could do it again I would but old age creeps up on you ànd my tired hands just can’t do it anymore but gosh I miss it. Thank you Leah Shanahan Reed for introducing me to the most enjoyable time of my life. Besides your birth of course. (😇)

 We spent one night at the empire rest stop on 101 North. Ana cried the whole time I was driving. I did pull over and try to comfort her and she was quiet for a while but she was not happy. She was fine when we weren’t moving but as soon as we started up again she was miserable. I did sleep well so that was good. She didn’t drink any water and that bothered me. When I woke she ate a lot which was good but still no water. I took off for Eureka but I felt strongly that she was not going to be a traveling cat so when I got to Eureka I gassed up and turned around to head home.

I think I failed to mention that when we first left Petaluma she was in her “no escape” harness so I felt pretty good about her safety. However about five seconds after I took off she was out of it and all over the car.  When we were on our way to Eureka we had a long talk. She said “take me home, and never put me in a car again”.😩

I didn’t want to give up on my road trips, after all I am 79 and I have no idea how much time I have left but I also know that Ana will be happier alone at home than with me in my car.

The gas!! $6.59 a gallon. Really bad planning on my part.

Oh well June I’m getting my oil changed and hopefully I will be able to take another road trip. I’m thinking south along the coast this time. Monterey and Santa Cruz.

I did get my annual National parking pass so that will come in handy.

Until next time.

On the road again…

 My car is almost ready. Ana doesn't know it yet but she is too. I have an order coming in tomorrow that I need for my trip then I am on my way.

 My back seats have been removed and my cot came yesterday. I know I need to rearrange but that will probably happen more than once, knowing me. Ana was not fond of her second harness so the third one is coming today, fingers crossed. My plan is to take to the road next Sunday. Shooting for overnight but if it goes well I may keep going.

See ya!

 Good morning, still getting my car ready for my big adventure. Ana’s first harness looked very uncomfortable so I returned it and got a softer version. I guess I will remove my back seats myself today so stand by. I also found a shorter cot on Walmart that should fit in my car so I ordered it. I’m getting antsy to go. I’m 79; not sure why I waited so long To do this. But I’m doing this. My ultimate goal is Alaska. it’s okay if it takes me a year to get there. What else would I be doing? Nothing; sitting in my apartment waiting to die. Ana has Aids. Maybe she needs an adventure, maybe she doesn’t want to sit in her apartment waiting to die. Let’s do this Ana, Alaska here we come!!

Taking my cat, Ana, car camping

 A couple of nights ago I took Ana out to my car for a couple of hours. At first she was all over the car checking it out. She found her food right away and started eating. She also found her covered litter box and used it, yay!! I crawled up and lay down on my bed and she sat in her litter box! “Ana, come up here”, and she did. She stretched out next to me and for an hour, I swear she didn’t even blink. I’m thinking she wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. Then I said, okay let’s go home and put her crate out. She jumped in and we went home.

I got my car refrigerator yesterday and it’s pretty cool.i just need a good power supply for when I shut off my car; otherwise it will run on my car battery when I’m driving.

I’m also looking into some solar panels.

I was wondering how to secure Ana when I’m driving and also if I’m outside my car cooking where do I put her? I found this clear back pack for animals so she can see everything and yet she’ll be safe. It will come on Saturday. As soon as I figure out how to post photos I will.

A little history on Ana. She is around 8 years old. I found her at Pet food express on their adoption day. I think it was fate. My middle name is Ann and my clown name was SunshineAnnie. She also has felineHIV. But she is very healthy. We are super close.

I will research how to post photos so I can show you her new crate.

Ham radio

 So after going through the testing for all three licenses and spending a fortune on rigs I have decided to give it all up. I can’t do ham radio and travel. I’ve already sold my 2730 and an antenna and because of the extra money I got a refrigerator for my car. 

I took Ana out on the patio a couple of days ago and she did not like the leash. She managed to out of all of it in about three seconds. I put just the harness on today and tightened it up but no leash yet.

I got her portable litter box. It’s pretty cool it’s completely contained with a flap for her to enter and it has a drawer that I pull out to clean it out.

I ordered another 3” memory foam mattress because I have feeling 3” isn’t enough and I want to be comfortable. I also ordered a sheet so I can tuck it all in. 

Let’s see today I got my portable fan that uses USB port to charge and a black and decker hand vacuum for my car. I have a frig coming Monday and a cargo box for the roof of my car for extra storage. Mostly for tools and maybe extra blankets. Oh I also got a code reader for when the check engine light goes out, and pepper spray.

I guess I’m mostly concerned about how Ana is going to handle all this. It will definitely be a new experience for her. I’m taking her for a long weekend.

Later

CR-V

 So I’m in the process of fixing my CR-V also I can camp in it. I got my 3”memory foam mattress and I put that in the back with the back seats down. My grandson came over Sunday and said he could take out the back seats for me which will give me more head space. Each month I’m going to buy a few things for my camping trips. This month was bed, mesh window covers and rain guards. That’s so I can roll down the windows a bit to let air in. I already had window covers for night time when I go to sleep. I have two one burner stove tops to boil water, make coffee etc. Shane said he had a two burner Coleman stove I could have with wind guards so that will be great. I ordered a hot spot so I’ll have WiFi but it won’t get here for a few more weeks.i have power banks, nothing heavy duty but I can charge my 330 watt one in my cigarette lighter. I also got a harness and leash for my cat. I put it in her and she didn’t fight it but not sure if she likes it. I want to take her for a walk but I’ll probably start with the patio first. I also got a mount for my Icom 2730 ham radio. It fits in my cup holder.

Next month I want to get a good cooler. I thought about a refrigerator but they need a better power source and those are pricey. Also where would I put it. Also need a portable litter box. 

Also next month I want to get a cargo box for my roof. I can store a lot in one of those. Also will get bear spray for when I’m hiking but I need to find out if they are actually harmful to the bear. If anyone knows please let me know. I figure the bear has more right to be there than me so…

I need a portable fan., fire extinguisher. I also need to renew my passport but can’t do that until the end of the year.

I have a narrow container with a lid that’s very sturdy that I can use to store kitchen stuff. I also have a three drawer plastic storage unit that I can store under my bed. I’m hoping with the back seats gone I can buy a cot that fits, if all else fails I can use my patio lounger as a cot. It doesn’t lay back all the way but it reclines so I think it will work.

That’s all for now, God bless,

 It’s getting iffy here with the changes in management and ownership of my apartment community. My rent is $279 so if I have to leave my apartment I’m not sure where I’ll go. I’m seriously considering moving into my car. I love to drive and I’ve always wanted to travel all over the states. This would be a good time after the snow is gone.

I’ve started to sell my furniture. I bought some supplies for my car. A 3” memory foam mattress. I already have a sleeping bag. I’ll try that first and if I need more I’ll see if I can find a cot to put in the back of my car. I’ve gotten rid of a lot of art supplies. I’ll bring my charcoal pencils and probably color pencils and my crocheting. I’m very low income so my family gets home made things for birthdays and handmade ornaments for Christmas. I love to read and I like Libby which is a library app so I don’t have to pack a lot of books, although there are a couple I will bring. I have two different one burner propane elements. I might get the two burner one but will see how these work out. I do love to cook so that might be my biggest challenge. I do want to get a refrigerator but it depends on if and when I can get a power supply for it. Some things are going to be on my list and every month I will get a couple of more. This month is my 3” mattress, rain guards for the car, mount for my ham radio, hot spot (WiFi), cat leash. I already have some storage once I get my bed I’ll be able to figure out the storage and see what I need to buy. I have solar panels and a power bank, not sure if it does much. I know it will power up my laptop and iPhone but not any appliances, that’s why the stove top. I have to have my coffee! I would like to get solar panels for the roof of my car so that will go on my May list and maybe a really good power bank. I’m also trying to make more money cleaning apartments and shampooing carpets so I can get more stuff. That’s a good idea but then I would have more stuff to put in my car. I do plan on getting a storage unit so if I stay local I can keep my equipment there.

I will also get a subscription to planet fitness. For $15 a month I can work out and take a shower, Yay!My drinking is doing okay, probably because I have a purpose.

Take care all, I’ll be back, promise.

 It’s been 13 days since my last drink. I do pretty good until Mary’s birthday hits, then I just fall apart. It’s not really clear why she disowned me but I’m sure she has her reasons but it hurts like hell. I don’t really talk about it much so I just fall apart occasionally. I love my daughters so much and I’m grateful that Leah has stood by me no matter what but she doesn’t really want to talk about it so I go it alone.

 It’s a been a while but today I felt the need to talk about my three marriages. My first one, Jack, I met in Santa Cruz mountains. We were at a dance and I was watching him dance with turns out his sister. They were very good together doing the jitter bug. I’ve always loved dancing so I was very impressed. We started talking and he was a rival of my high school in San Francisco. I went to Lincoln high and he went to Washington high. We continued  seeing each other and we enjoyed each others company. We could talk about anything so marriage felt pretty good to me even at 17. On Halloween I was watching him interact with the children that came to their door and he was so good with them, I knew he would make a terrific father. Sorry to say that wasn’t where his heart was. 

My second husband was my next door neighbor. My oldest daughter would go visit him and I guess he was impressed by the way I was raising her. He thought I was an exceptional mother. My children have always come first so that was quite flattering. About then my first marriage was falling apart. He wanted to keep having children until I had a boy. The problem was he didn’t pay attention to the girls he had, so to make a long story short I told him I wanted a divorce. He knew I was friends with the man next door and I’m pretty sure he thought we were having an affair, but the truth was, he was impotent. We were married for ten years and never had intercourse. But I loved him. I still do but that also ended in divorce. After ten years and my oldest leaving home because she wanted to get to know her dad better. He decided that he needed new rules for my remaining daughter. There was nothing wrong with her. She was a young teenager, crazy about music and her friends. She didn’t do drugs and wasn’t pregnant so when I put my foot down to his rules, he said “do it my way, or get out”. So I did. 

The only reason I married my third husband was because I was afraid I couldn’t support my daughter on my own. As it was that only lasted four years. That was a nightmare. So at three strikes you’re out I decided it was time to be on my own. My daughter was living with her boyfriend by then and I was doing okay. I’ve never been rich or even well off but that was never a priority. I just wanted a roof over my head and food to eat.

Getting back to my whole food plant base life style I went back to a regular diet minus gluten and dairy and sugar. And oh no processed food. I cook everything from scratch.

I’ve been trying to find a way of life to help my arthritis and so far I know gluten is bad and so is sugar. I’m pretty sure dairy is too but it’s hard to resist an occasional bite of cheese.

I also think I’m getting the signs of anemia again so I’m back on meat. There is so much controversy about what food you should and shouldn’t eat I may have to stay away from YouTube for a while.

I’m drawing a lot. I belong to an ATC group which is trading cards. I did 145 drawing s of pets for some of the people that belong to that group and I enjoyed it tremendously. Ready for my next adventure. But at 77 it probably won’t be too strenuous.

As of today October 18th I have completed over 200 pet drawings and one baby.

 Ah, 2am and I’m awake and enjoying my coffee. I have been on a whole food plant based for three weeks and have almost dropped five pounds. I also feel great. I’m sleeping better without sleeping aids or pain pills, although I didn’t sleep as much last night I still feel great.

I was vegan for ethical reasons but didn’t pay much attention to the nutritional aspect of my life style, which is why I got anemia. I was also gaining weight and my arthritis was bad.

Yesterday was the first time I didn’t take my acid reflux medication. No reflux, yay. I would love to be off that. I feel good that at 77 I only have two prescriptions. I do have an inhaler but I don’t count that because I don’t swallow it. 

Anyway the secret to WFPB is no sugar, salt and oil. Also no processed food. I think the hardest part was giving up my sweetener in my coffee. I went from sugar to date syrup, which was good but expensive and not easy to find, to agave. That’s been me since I was fourteen. So for the last two weeks coffee with almond milk.

This has helped me to finally give up sugar. The only sweetener I use in cooking now is pure maple syrup.

I use to put tons of butter on my noodles and mashed potatoes. I also would sauté in it. No more. I sauté in a bit of water or broth.

I’m also starting to enjoy the real taste of food and I’m using more spices and herbs now too. I’m eating every day; grains, beans, cruciferous veggies and some fruit. I still don’t have my bottom teeth but my top teeth have been removed so no more pain.

I’m doing a junk journal series called #faithfridaypeace. It last seven weeks. We are suppose to do a series of seven video over seven weeks and I have already finished mine.. I’m on youtube@paulamoors. I have 44 subscribers! How exciting. I love teaching people .

 Well it’s been a while and. A lot has happened. I didn’t get the stick; well I did get it but I did not succeed in learning how to drive it. Fortunately my kids gave me one last year. A beautiful CRV. 2013 in great shape. The largest car I’ve ever had. It is a joy to drive.

Other things have happened..I was vegan for four years but became anemic so I went back to meat. I was not happy about this for ethical reasons but I did anyway. The main reason I went back to meat, eggs and dairy was because I have no bottom teeth so I couldn’t eat most raw fruit and veggies. It was hard to eat iron rich foods and iron supplements upset my stomach. 

I am no longer anemic so have not only gone back to being vegan but just recently decided to try WFPB.

That is whole food plant based plus no salt, sugar, oil or processed food.. I have arthritis really bad in my hands and I’ve been reading about foods that make it worse and make it better. So here I go. I have fallen back on some of my healthy vegan foods and stopped eating the not so healthy vegan foods. There is a lot of vegan junk food out there!

Not to mention I could not lose weight on a vegan diet. I’m not grossly over weight but I am over weight. At 5’21/2” I weighed 140 pounds. Not good.

There are some great books and video YouTube videos about WFPB and the way animals are treated. It’s really horrendous. I just finished reading the Starch solution by  John McDougall. It’s not potatoes that are fattening it’s all the stuff you put on them. So I’ve been making them and also a big batch of my mushroom gravy. I put this gravy on potatoes, brown rice, I mix it with brown rice gf pasta. I love it. I’m also gluten free by the way.

Anyway here is my recipe…

Mushroom gravy

About 8 ounces of mushrooms half of a small onion slice.both and sauté in a bit of water. The moisture from the mushroom will aid in the sautéing process. Sauté until they are soft. Add two cups of broth. I use low sodium BTB veggie paste. Add one tsp garlic powder and one tsp thyme. Pepper to taste.

Simmer for about 30 minutes. I use an immersion blender to blend everything. You can also use a blender. Thicken it with about two tablespoons of cornstarch and a a little water, simmer for about ten more minutes until thickened. Add more broth if you want it thinner. I store mine in quart mason jar. It keeps really well and it was a way that I learned to like mushrooms because they are super good for you.

I am weaning myself off sweetener. I use agave for my coffee but I’m going to try getting off of it. For desserts and sauces that use a sweetener I use maple syrup.

Some other videos to watch is Neal Bernard. The Esselstyns, Physicians committee. However I am stressing WFPB.  I haven’t been on this for very long. About two weeks but I’m already losing weight. Just a couple of pounds but I’m encouraged. In  May I’m getting lower dentures so I might even be able to eat salads again.

I’ve also gotten into junk journaling which is journaling with ephemera. Ephemera is pockets, tags book marks, pretty things. If you are interested you can see my channel on YouTube @paulamoors. I started it for beginners and I’m enjoying it..

 This week has been exceptional for me. I have a car coming. I have to learn how to drive a stick but I’m going to do it.  The car is free she just has to repair the muffler so it will pass smog. I’m going to put most of my job money into this repair.

Staying sober has been such a struggle but over a week ago I got down on my knees and asked God to help me. I haven’t had a drink since and I don’t miss it. Now I thank God every day for helping me.

I miss Mary but I know she has her own journey but Lord I long for her to be in my life. I wish I could fix it but I honestly have no clue. I do believe it’s past life Karma. I thank God everyday for the family that’s still in my life. I miss them too.

This morning I drank my first cup of coffee without sweetener and my second cup I drank black.

I’m doing the whole 30 diet again. I remember how good I felt the last time I did it; many years ago. No processed food, no sweeteners, no dairy, no legumes. I am eating meat but when this is over I’m hoping I can be vegan again. I will never be 100% because my balloons aren’t vegan.

I know no one is reading this so it doesn’t really matter, but I think it helps me to document this today.

I pray everyday that God will guide me to be kind, non judgmental and giving of myself.

Today I have a face painting job and I’m looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to Monday because Linda will be home from rehab and her knee surgery. I thank God, every day how fortunate I am that I still have most of my parts!!

 Last week I got an iron infusion. I am anemic. The infusion was life changing. I feel 100 times better.

My face painting and balloon business  is doing great. I am very grateful for so many opportunities.

 I’m not really a writer so I don’t post much. Also because I don’t have a following. I mostly write because I have something to say. Today is one of those days. Today I realized I have a prayer list. For instance, I no longer pray that people will forgive me for being a not great friend, mother, wife. All those things are true but not really the path I was on. My biggest regret was that I was not a better mother. I am plagued by this almost every day.. I realize now that this is the path I was on and also the path my children were on. My biggest regret is that Mary has chosen to remove me from her life. I use to pray that she would forgive me and come back to me. Now I pray that she will continue on her path that she has chosen and that she will grow from this. That’s all we can really hope for. 

Being in, what I think is one of the following final chapters of my life. I use to pray that Mary would forgive me; but now I know that my path is not forgiveness but rather the path we are both on. When I saw this just recently, I am now at peace with this path she has chosen and that it has nothing to do with me.

It is our chance to grow. I hope, that anyone, who is reading this will understand that the things, good and bad, in our life. We must accept this path in order to grow. This was a huge step for me.

Wishing I was a better mother may not be the right path for either of my children. Fortunately Leah has accepted me for who I am; addictions and all of my bad qualities. I know whether she knows it or not, I did teach them honesty. Also to be who you are meant to be. To be kind. UI often think that I want to be just like Leah when I grow up.  She is the woman I had hoped to be but didn’t become until much later in Life.

My reason for being vegan is, 1. Do no harm and 2. to be kind to everyone no matter our path. Enough for today. If anyone reads this I hope you are on the right path.

 I just now figured out how to use this keyboard.  

I’m almost at 8 months sober and I feel great. I found a vegan mayonnaise that I like so the only thing left to find or make is gf and vegan bread. I made the black bread which is reall nice but not suitable for a sandwich. So almost at 100% vegan.

I also found a skin care line at www.thrivecausmetics.com 

I had a quiet Thanksgiving but that’s okay.we will see what happens with Christmas.

Onward..

 Got my booster shot last week and was sick for two days. Thank God it’s done with. I have issues with putting things in my body that my body doesn’t want.

My business is booming. My neighbor is still letting me use her car which is a blessing but I’m not sure how long I can keep this up.

I’m ready for Christmas, yay.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I shall be home alone but that’s okay, I don’t really have a problem being alone I just don’t want to cause any stress for my daughter.

Mushroom gravy yumm

 For dinner I made vegan mushroom gravy and mash potatoes. Heaven.

I’m also listening to Naked Mind again. It’s a great book. AA didn’t really help me but this book has kept me sober. I thought I’d listen again to strengthen my resolve.

So I’m making a list of vegan foods that I have tried and really like but I need to keep it realistic.

So far lentil sloppy Joe’s

Spaghetti with marinara sauce (with ground walnuts or lentils)

Black bean chili with jackfruit 

Jackfruit bbq (similar to pulled pork)

Still looking for a decent falafel recipe.

Today I bought Dr. Pregers veggie burger, not bad.

More later