It’s been 13 days since my last drink. I do pretty good until Mary’s birthday hits, then I just fall apart. It’s not really clear why she disowned me but I’m sure she has her reasons but it hurts like hell. I don’t really talk about it much so I just fall apart occasionally. I love my daughters so much and I’m grateful that Leah has stood by me no matter what but she doesn’t really want to talk about it so I go it alone.

 It’s a been a while but today I felt the need to talk about my three marriages. My first one, Jack, I met in Santa Cruz mountains. We were at a dance and I was watching him dance with turns out his sister. They were very good together doing the jitter bug. I’ve always loved dancing so I was very impressed. We started talking and he was a rival of my high school in San Francisco. I went to Lincoln high and he went to Washington high. We continued  seeing each other and we enjoyed each others company. We could talk about anything so marriage felt pretty good to me even at 17. On Halloween I was watching him interact with the children that came to their door and he was so good with them, I knew he would make a terrific father. Sorry to say that wasn’t where his heart was. 

My second husband was my next door neighbor. My oldest daughter would go visit him and I guess he was impressed by the way I was raising her. He thought I was an exceptional mother. My children have always come first so that was quite flattering. About then my first marriage was falling apart. He wanted to keep having children until I had a boy. The problem was he didn’t pay attention to the girls he had, so to make a long story short I told him I wanted a divorce. He knew I was friends with the man next door and I’m pretty sure he thought we were having an affair, but the truth was, he was impotent. We were married for ten years and never had intercourse. But I loved him. I still do but that also ended in divorce. After ten years and my oldest leaving home because she wanted to get to know her dad better. He decided that he needed new rules for my remaining daughter. There was nothing wrong with her. She was a young teenager, crazy about music and her friends. She didn’t do drugs and wasn’t pregnant so when I put my foot down to his rules, he said “do it my way, or get out”. So I did. 

The only reason I married my third husband was because I was afraid I couldn’t support my daughter on my own. As it was that only lasted four years. That was a nightmare. So at three strikes you’re out I decided it was time to be on my own. My daughter was living with her boyfriend by then and I was doing okay. I’ve never been rich or even well off but that was never a priority. I just wanted a roof over my head and food to eat.

Getting back to my whole food plant base life style I went back to a regular diet minus gluten and dairy and sugar. And oh no processed food. I cook everything from scratch.

I’ve been trying to find a way of life to help my arthritis and so far I know gluten is bad and so is sugar. I’m pretty sure dairy is too but it’s hard to resist an occasional bite of cheese.

I also think I’m getting the signs of anemia again so I’m back on meat. There is so much controversy about what food you should and shouldn’t eat I may have to stay away from YouTube for a while.

I’m drawing a lot. I belong to an ATC group which is trading cards. I did 145 drawing s of pets for some of the people that belong to that group and I enjoyed it tremendously. Ready for my next adventure. But at 77 it probably won’t be too strenuous.

As of today October 18th I have completed over 200 pet drawings and one baby.

 Ah, 2am and I’m awake and enjoying my coffee. I have been on a whole food plant based for three weeks and have almost dropped five pounds. I also feel great. I’m sleeping better without sleeping aids or pain pills, although I didn’t sleep as much last night I still feel great.

I was vegan for ethical reasons but didn’t pay much attention to the nutritional aspect of my life style, which is why I got anemia. I was also gaining weight and my arthritis was bad.

Yesterday was the first time I didn’t take my acid reflux medication. No reflux, yay. I would love to be off that. I feel good that at 77 I only have two prescriptions. I do have an inhaler but I don’t count that because I don’t swallow it. 

Anyway the secret to WFPB is no sugar, salt and oil. Also no processed food. I think the hardest part was giving up my sweetener in my coffee. I went from sugar to date syrup, which was good but expensive and not easy to find, to agave. That’s been me since I was fourteen. So for the last two weeks coffee with almond milk.

This has helped me to finally give up sugar. The only sweetener I use in cooking now is pure maple syrup.

I use to put tons of butter on my noodles and mashed potatoes. I also would sauté in it. No more. I sauté in a bit of water or broth.

I’m also starting to enjoy the real taste of food and I’m using more spices and herbs now too. I’m eating every day; grains, beans, cruciferous veggies and some fruit. I still don’t have my bottom teeth but my top teeth have been removed so no more pain.

I’m doing a junk journal series called #faithfridaypeace. It last seven weeks. We are suppose to do a series of seven video over seven weeks and I have already finished mine.. I’m on youtube@paulamoors. I have 44 subscribers! How exciting. I love teaching people .

 Well it’s been a while and. A lot has happened. I didn’t get the stick; well I did get it but I did not succeed in learning how to drive it. Fortunately my kids gave me one last year. A beautiful CRV. 2013 in great shape. The largest car I’ve ever had. It is a joy to drive.

Other things have happened..I was vegan for four years but became anemic so I went back to meat. I was not happy about this for ethical reasons but I did anyway. The main reason I went back to meat, eggs and dairy was because I have no bottom teeth so I couldn’t eat most raw fruit and veggies. It was hard to eat iron rich foods and iron supplements upset my stomach. 

I am no longer anemic so have not only gone back to being vegan but just recently decided to try WFPB.

That is whole food plant based plus no salt, sugar, oil or processed food.. I have arthritis really bad in my hands and I’ve been reading about foods that make it worse and make it better. So here I go. I have fallen back on some of my healthy vegan foods and stopped eating the not so healthy vegan foods. There is a lot of vegan junk food out there!

Not to mention I could not lose weight on a vegan diet. I’m not grossly over weight but I am over weight. At 5’21/2” I weighed 140 pounds. Not good.

There are some great books and video YouTube videos about WFPB and the way animals are treated. It’s really horrendous. I just finished reading the Starch solution by  John McDougall. It’s not potatoes that are fattening it’s all the stuff you put on them. So I’ve been making them and also a big batch of my mushroom gravy. I put this gravy on potatoes, brown rice, I mix it with brown rice gf pasta. I love it. I’m also gluten free by the way.

Anyway here is my recipe…

Mushroom gravy

About 8 ounces of mushrooms half of a small onion slice.both and sauté in a bit of water. The moisture from the mushroom will aid in the sautéing process. Sauté until they are soft. Add two cups of broth. I use low sodium BTB veggie paste. Add one tsp garlic powder and one tsp thyme. Pepper to taste.

Simmer for about 30 minutes. I use an immersion blender to blend everything. You can also use a blender. Thicken it with about two tablespoons of cornstarch and a a little water, simmer for about ten more minutes until thickened. Add more broth if you want it thinner. I store mine in quart mason jar. It keeps really well and it was a way that I learned to like mushrooms because they are super good for you.

I am weaning myself off sweetener. I use agave for my coffee but I’m going to try getting off of it. For desserts and sauces that use a sweetener I use maple syrup.

Some other videos to watch is Neal Bernard. The Esselstyns, Physicians committee. However I am stressing WFPB.  I haven’t been on this for very long. About two weeks but I’m already losing weight. Just a couple of pounds but I’m encouraged. In  May I’m getting lower dentures so I might even be able to eat salads again.

I’ve also gotten into junk journaling which is journaling with ephemera. Ephemera is pockets, tags book marks, pretty things. If you are interested you can see my channel on YouTube @paulamoors. I started it for beginners and I’m enjoying it..

 This week has been exceptional for me. I have a car coming. I have to learn how to drive a stick but I’m going to do it.  The car is free she just has to repair the muffler so it will pass smog. I’m going to put most of my job money into this repair.

Staying sober has been such a struggle but over a week ago I got down on my knees and asked God to help me. I haven’t had a drink since and I don’t miss it. Now I thank God every day for helping me.

I miss Mary but I know she has her own journey but Lord I long for her to be in my life. I wish I could fix it but I honestly have no clue. I do believe it’s past life Karma. I thank God everyday for the family that’s still in my life. I miss them too.

This morning I drank my first cup of coffee without sweetener and my second cup I drank black.

I’m doing the whole 30 diet again. I remember how good I felt the last time I did it; many years ago. No processed food, no sweeteners, no dairy, no legumes. I am eating meat but when this is over I’m hoping I can be vegan again. I will never be 100% because my balloons aren’t vegan.

I know no one is reading this so it doesn’t really matter, but I think it helps me to document this today.

I pray everyday that God will guide me to be kind, non judgmental and giving of myself.

Today I have a face painting job and I’m looking forward to it. I’m also looking forward to Monday because Linda will be home from rehab and her knee surgery. I thank God, every day how fortunate I am that I still have most of my parts!!

 Last week I got an iron infusion. I am anemic. The infusion was life changing. I feel 100 times better.

My face painting and balloon business  is doing great. I am very grateful for so many opportunities.

 I’m not really a writer so I don’t post much. Also because I don’t have a following. I mostly write because I have something to say. Today is one of those days. Today I realized I have a prayer list. For instance, I no longer pray that people will forgive me for being a not great friend, mother, wife. All those things are true but not really the path I was on. My biggest regret was that I was not a better mother. I am plagued by this almost every day.. I realize now that this is the path I was on and also the path my children were on. My biggest regret is that Mary has chosen to remove me from her life. I use to pray that she would forgive me and come back to me. Now I pray that she will continue on her path that she has chosen and that she will grow from this. That’s all we can really hope for. 

Being in, what I think is one of the following final chapters of my life. I use to pray that Mary would forgive me; but now I know that my path is not forgiveness but rather the path we are both on. When I saw this just recently, I am now at peace with this path she has chosen and that it has nothing to do with me.

It is our chance to grow. I hope, that anyone, who is reading this will understand that the things, good and bad, in our life. We must accept this path in order to grow. This was a huge step for me.

Wishing I was a better mother may not be the right path for either of my children. Fortunately Leah has accepted me for who I am; addictions and all of my bad qualities. I know whether she knows it or not, I did teach them honesty. Also to be who you are meant to be. To be kind. UI often think that I want to be just like Leah when I grow up.  She is the woman I had hoped to be but didn’t become until much later in Life.

My reason for being vegan is, 1. Do no harm and 2. to be kind to everyone no matter our path. Enough for today. If anyone reads this I hope you are on the right path.